Why BDSM?
Copyright © 2000 Phil Carson.
[Note
from the Author:
As I was sifting through files on my hard drive (you have
to clean it out sometime, you know), I found a
letter that I had written long ago in response to a woman's
inquiry: "Why do you do the kinky things you do?"
(or something like that). She wrote me this after seeing
me at a function of our local "scene" group,
Houston PEP, wearing one of my favorite T-shirts which
reads, "You'd look better with duct tape over your
mouth", and I invited her to visit this website.
Upon re-reading it, this letter seemed to me to be appropriate
to share with all of you. If you don't understand the
attraction of BDSM, or can't fathom the lifestyle, perhaps
my letter to this young lady will offer some help.]
" Wow!!
OK, now I get the T-shirt. I must say the website startled
me.
Keep it clean, but what made you get into something like
this?"
I'll keep it
very clean. The way I approached this was, when we're children
we go out and play, doing all sorts of things. Somewhere
along the way, as we were growing up, someone told us we
couldn't "play" anymore, that we had to "act our age" and
be serious. That's fine as far as it goes, but there's not
a whole lot about being "mature" that satisfies our need
to have just plain ol' FUN. Have you noticed that when we
have fun, it's because we're acting more like children than
adults?
My point is this:
A lot of adults still have a desire (or even a need) to
"play," except now that they're older and more experienced,
they have more complex goals. Some people want to exercise
control over someone else, and play the part of "Lord and
Master." Still other people want someone to exercise control
over THEM, and play the part of "submissive" (or, in more
extreme cases, "slave"). As long as both people involved
in this role-play have discussed what they need and want
from it, have negotiated limits that each partner WILL NOT
EXCEED, and play safely and in a manner that would never
permanently harm the "sub" (physically OR mentally), it's
a mutual game between two consenting adults and is perfectly
healthy.
Now, here's where
it gets interesting. MOST people engage in BDSM-style activities
and don't even realize it. Anyone who's ever handcuffed
their partner to the bed ... anyone who's ever playfully
spanked their lover ... this is the same kind of play. We
think of it as "being naughty." A lot of people (myself
included) have decided that "being naughty" is more fun
than "being mainstream," and have decided to be a bit more
open about what we do, as long as we remain "safe, sane,
and consensual" (you hear this phrase from organized BDSM-ers
a lot).
BDSM is much
more about intimacy and caring (and even love) than it is
about inflicting or receiving pain or humiliation. In fact,
even as I'm typing this, there's a discussion on this topic
going on in an IRC channel I'm monitoring. Let me change
the names and paste you this exchange:
"<
questioner > SO... what motivates the love... the need
to dominate or be dominated?
"< dominant channel op > Some of us were just born with
it "
< the op's submissive partner > for me ... it's because
i love my Master so much ... i choose to want to
do anything i can for Him ... trusting and knowing He
will take better care of me then He does Himself ... and
some don't realize the total feeling of being that loved
until they have a Master ... a best friend and partner
... that they can want to give that much of themself to"
Now that I've
explained that ... Most of us have spent a good deal of
our lives wanting to act on this element that's part of
us. Because there are folks who don't understand or tolerate
what we do (and refuse to listen to our explanation in order
to understand better, even if they choose not to accept
it), the majority of people (not of kinky people, but of
PEOPLE) keep their deep dark secrets to themselves, lest
someone find out about them and damage their reputation.
(It's interesting that a lot of the loudest critics of BDSM
are themselves engaged in alternate forms of sexual expression.
Some of the most outspoken, intolerant critics of BDSM,
for example, are militant lesbians ... and let's not forget
adulterous evangelists ...)
Houston PEP has
two functions: First and foremost, we're a support group.
When we're with each other, we don't have to keep that deep
dark secret hidden, because we all have different flavors
of the same secret in common. Some people like giving or
receiving pain, some like to tie up others or be tied up,
some people just like to crack a bullwhip and listen to
the sound it makes; but we all have one thing in common:
This is part of us and when we're around each other, we
can discuss it (and sometimes even act on it) in a safe,
friendly environment.
The second thing
HPEP does is teach its members how to "play" safely. Most
people, for example, get a bit bored with their sexual relationship
and occasionally want to try something new. If one partner
won't agree to try to inject some variety into the relationship,
eventually an affair is likely to come about. It's not really
different in the BDSM community, except that the things
done for "variety" can, if not handled safely, hurt people.
So, those of us with more experience in a particular area
of "play" teach others what we know, so that others can
engage in that area safely. Also, by being more open with
each other as a group, there are fewer secrets kept between
partners and that promotes a healthier relationship.
(It would be
a much longer discussion for me to explain why some people
get into giving or receiving pain. Personally, that's not
my "kink"; I like to do bondage and sensual teasing. Somehow,
a lot of people who have been sexually repressed for most
of their lives can "cut loose" and enjoy themselves much
more if they're bound and feel like they no longer have
control over "being good." For me, it's bled off a lot of
sexual tension from my youth, so that I don't look at every
woman passing by me as a sex object.)
Having said all
that, I want to emphasize something that's very, very important:
I do date, and socialize with, people who don't claim
to have a kinky bone in their body. I can have, and have
had, relationships with women who didn't share my particular
interest. I can have a healthy sexual relationship
with a woman without tying her up. This is about fun and
spice, not about an unhealthy compulsion. But it IS an important
part of who I am, and rather than fumble with explaining
this to someone after several dates, I figured I should
be "100% honest" and just lay it out up front.
[Postscript:
While performing at HPEP's S/M Ball VI in March 1999,
I met another curious young woman who asked very shyly
if I would tie her up, because it was something she had
always wanted to try. Several months later, that woman
has become my partner, submissive, lover, roommate, bondagette,
and wife -- not to mention my very best friend. I offer
this as proof that healthy, happy relationships are possible,
even when they begin as a meeting of two kinky minds and
small talk is completely unnecessary ...]
