Personal Safety: Meeting a First-Time Partner for Play
From the article "Model Safety" by Gary W.
Charpentier.
Copyright ©1996-97 Gary
W. Charpentier. Used with permission.
[Note
from the Webmaster:
One of the unfortunate aspects of BDSM play, and its open
sexuality and lure of power exchange, is that many sexual
predators believe the scene is a perfect stalking ground
in which to find their victims. Some predators, indeed,
are quite skilled at preying on the insecurities of new
submissives: "If you're really submissive, you will
do as I command." A few aren't even that subtle;
they simply take physical control and force their victim
to do whatever they choose. And these predators are not
all male, and they don't limit themselves to targeting
submissives; I've heard many stories of dominant women
-- professional Mistresses, leather dykes, or just the
kinky gal next door -- and even men being beaten and abused
by these sociopaths. And of course, with more and more
people meeting face-to-face who had previously only spoken
to each other on-line, the problem becomes more and more
widespread.
For years, people in the scene (myself included) have
been trying to inform people of the dangers of meeting
someone in private for a first play session. If someone
wants to share intimacy with another, of course they should
eventually play privately; but all too often the people
we're warning (even experienced players) respond with,
"I trust my judgment, and I think I'll be safe with
him." Some of these same people ended up in the hospital
with bruises and cuts, and worse, received emotional damage
that took years to undo.
There are ways to meet with someone privately and still
take measures to protect yourself from harm. While some
scene books discuss meeting for the first time, a lot
of people don't have access to those books, or simply
will not read them. This essay is an attempt to make this
vital information more accessible to the BDSM community.
But oddly enough, this essay wasn't written for the BDSM
community at all.
Gary Charpentier is a professional photographer in Southern
California. After the death of model and Raiderette cheerleader
Linda Sobek (who thought she was showing up for a photo
shoot but instead was brutally murdered), Gary wrote an
article on "Model Safety" (from which the below
excerpts are taken) for Western Photographer Magazine,
and later posted the article on his website. (Gary's web
address and contact information appear at the end of this
essay.) It contains many of the same safety measures that
we in the BDSM scene have been sharing with each other
for many years, and includes additional measures that
we sometimes tend to overlook. Although this article was
written for models and photographers, not for BDSM
players, Gary has graciously given his permission for
us to share excerpts from his essay here. He agrees with
us that this information is important enough to be shared
within the BDSM community, and that it is always a tragedy
when harm comes to someone, be they a model or a BDSM
player, especially when the harm could have been prevented
by a few simple measures.
These excerpts are presented as originally written, without
editing. The text refers to photographers and models,
but the advice is equally valid for the BDSM community
(and even more so for submissives, since most models don't
expect to be rendered helpless during a session and most
submissives do).]
Silent Alarm
Now
let's talk about the Silent Alarm. Before, well before you
go out on a job, you need to tell a trusted friend, where
you are going, whom you are going to be with, and when you
will be back. If you do not send an "I'm safe"
message to your trusted friend it means that your life is
in danger.
The
purpose of the silent alarm is deterrence. Tell the photographer
that you are going to use a silent alarm. The photographer
may not know what a silent alarm is, so he may ask you a
few questions about it. If he presses for specifics, he
is sending you a very strong signal that this is a job you
should skip.
It
is important for you to be able to tell your silent alarm
who you are going to be with. Try to find out the photographer's
real name, his home phone number, his home address, the
kind of car he drives, the license plate number and state.
The more information you have the better.
Tell
your trusted friend the phone number and address where you
are going. Call your friend just before you go inside to
verify they have the correct address. Pay particular attention
to the apartment or suite number as you may have the phone
code, which is different that the number on the door. Also
check the name on the directory and see if it matches the
photographer's name. Also pay attention to the street name
if all you got were directions saying to turn after the
doughnut shop.
Have
your trusted friend call you immediately after you go inside
to verify the phone number where you are. This is important.
It lets the photographer know in no uncertain terms that
someone knows exactly where you are. You may even wish to
have a time limit on this. If your trusted friend can not
find you at the phone number, and does not hear from you
in fifteen minutes after you entered, they sound the alarm.
Also this is important to you. If the phone does not ring,
you know you have been lied to while there is still time
for you to run.
By
the way. If you are not using a silent alarm, stop a couple
of blocks from the job site. Call the number the photographer
gave you. Does he answer? If not, you know the job is a
setup. Go home!
Finally
if your trusted friend does not hear from you by the appointed
time of the end of your assignment, they are to sound the
alarm. This means to call the police. They are not to charge
after you like Rambo, even if they are armed with ten of
their friends. They are not a trained hostage rescue squad.
You don't want their life in danger, after all they are
the only person who knows where you are. If something happens
to them, where does that leave you?
When
they call the police they are to tell them their name, your
name, the name of the photographer, the place where you
are, that you are being held against your will, of course
anything else you know about the photographer, including
his description, car information and the like that could
be useful to the police in locating you.
Because
of the seriousness of what will happen if you don't check
in by the deadline, you have a major responsibility to remember
to call your trusted friend. Set an alarm on your watch
to remind you. Tape a note to the dash of your car. If you
have a pager, you should have your trusted friend page you
five minutes before the deadline as a final reminder for
you to call!
Also
turn off your alarm as soon as you are finished, not before
you leave the job however, but at the first phone you come
to. After all, if on your way home you were in a car accident
you would not want the innocent photographer being held
at gun point. Also please remember to cancel your alarm
if you cancel the job!
You
should also set up a special code word, or phrase. Pick
something unusual, a word that would not come up in normal
conversation. If you do not use this word in your call to
your trusted friend it means that they are to call the police
immediately. They can and should prompt you for that word
if you fail to mention it. This is important, if you have
a gun to your head and are being forced to call this trick
will send the police right then. Let's say the word you
pick is "chocolate." If you don't say it while
you are telling your trusted friend everything is great,
you're fine, etc., they can prompt you by asking if it is
a sweet deal. It should jog your memory, but not arouse
suspicion. Let me say it again, the absence of the
code word means - Call the police immediately!
Additional
Safety Measures
Let's
talk about additional safety measures you can take. Before
you leave on any job, for any photographer no matter how
much you trust him, make a note saying who you are working
for, when, time and date, and where the job is. Leave it
at your place where it can be found.
Another
safety measure is to make another identical note and place
it in the glove compartment of your car. Also you can have
one inside your make-up case or wardrobe bag. They should
be places so they are not in plain sight. If the police
later find these items they are very careful in their examination
so they will find your note.
Another
thing is to call your own answering machine and leave a
message to yourself of where you are going, who you are
working for and so forth. If you are missing the police
will play your message tape looking for clues. This brings
up a point, the personal secretary service from the phone
company. How are the police going to know what your pass
code is? Yes, the phone company can bypass it, but a real
answering machine always has a playback button on it.
[Note
from the Webmaster: I'd also add, as a top who insists
that most of these measures be taken by my partners before
our first private play session, that any partner who is
indeed safe to play with should have no objection to complying
with these safety measures. Even though I'm giving my
partner enough information to "out" me to the
world, she is giving me her health and safety and is truly
entrusting me with her life. I see this as a vital exchange
of trust; in exchange for her returning home safely at
the end of our session, I get the envelope with my personal
information back, unopened. I believe it's the
very least I can do in exchange for the gift of submission
my partner shares with me.]
(Gary Charpentier would like to hear from prospective models,
over age 18, who may wish to work with him. His e-mail address
is GaryC38047@aol.com.)
The full text of this article, and links to many others
by this author, can be found at http://members.aol.com/garyc38047/modelsafety.html.
