Imagine,
for just a moment, that you are topping or bottoming in
one of the following scenes at a play party:
- You
are engaged in a bondage scene, with the bottom tightly
tied, gagged, and blindfolded. Without invitation, a
loud voice from the crowd watching the scene begins
to offer ominous suggestions as to what evil things
should be done to the helpless bottom.
- You
are involved in an intense, delicate CBT piercing scene,
and the top is about to continue piercing the bottom's
scrotum when one of the onlookers approaches the top,
gets close to her, and loudly begins to ask questions
about technique.
- You
are administering a single-tail lashing to a bottom.
One crack of the whip across the bottom's back is so
intense that, were she not cuffed standing to a St.
Andrews Cross, she would surely have dropped to her
knees in sweet agony. As the top prepares to throw the
whip again, a voice from the crowd shouts, "Hit her
harder!"
I have
personally witnessed each of these situations occur at
large, public play parties. In the case of the single-tail
commentator, the top's response was to wheel and crack
the whip an inch from the heckler's face. I'd prefer to
think a better way to deal with these situations is to
prevent them from occurring in the first place.
A scene
at a public play party is a very delicate, carefully-balanced
thing. The top has worked hard to create an environment
in which he and his partner can enjoy the scene. The bottom
works even harder, to block out the surrounding distractions
and prepare herself for a brief dive into subspace. Yet
this careful dance of emotions can be upset, by something
as simple as a thoughtless or loud comment from the people
gathered to watch the scene. In this brief article, I'd
like to propose some simple rules of etiquette, which
are encouraged by many prominent members in the national
scene.
Mon
Cherie, owner of Atlanta's The Sanctuary and the American
Leather Woman '95-96 titleholder, has posted her "Ten
Commandments of Fetish." First among them is, "Never disturb
a scene." This is such a simple guideline ... so why do
people keep ignoring it? Several reasons seem to offer
themselves. First, most of us are used to our scenes being
intimate. When we are at a play party, we often find ourselves
watching, and are therefore "part" of, several scenes
during the evening. We feel drawn into each scene because,
well, it's something intimate and we're watching it, so
it involves us, right? (Obviously, the answer is NO.)
Second, often there seems to be a feeling among onlookers
that "they're in their own little world, they can't hear
us," so someone carries on a conversation within clear
earshot of the scene, distracting the participants. And
third, let's face it: sometimes people are just clueless
jerks who always have to be the center of attention.
Rob
Jellinghaus, in his wonderful alt.sex.bondage Frequently
Asked Questions file, writes about play party etiquette:
The
people who really interfere with the energy of a party
are the people who seemingly assume that just because
the scene is taking place in a semi-public context means
that comments from the audience are okay fine. They're
NOT. The top in the scene is concentrating on the bottom's
pleasure, and the bottom is almost certainly in a very
private mental space. Neither the top nor the bottom
will appreciate being yanked back to reality by a loud
suggestion or greeting. ... Interfering with a scene
in progress is inexcusably rude ...
So what,
aside from the obvious suggestion "do not disturb," should
one do to respect other's scenes? A good audience *can*
add a lot to a scene, after all; as Rob mentions, "An
audience which values the gift of being allowed to watch,
and which contributes its goodwill towards the play, can
be a delight ..."
The
party rules of The Group With No Name, in Austin, Texas,
sum it up: "Don't feel shy about watching other people
playing, but do it from a distance. Don't crowd them (10-15
feet away is recommended), and don't make a lot of noise.
Just don't intrude on their scene."
Other
suggestions which have been offered by experienced players:
- Keep idle chatter to a minimum.
- No
smoking, glasses, food, or alcohol in the play area.
- Keep
a polite and SAFE distance from the players in the scene.
A bondage or piercing scene would demand a respectful
eight or ten feet of clear space between the onlookers
and the players; a scene involving an eight-foot bullwhip
would require somewhat more clearance. Use your good
judgment, and if the Top asks you to move ... MOVE!
Also, give the players plenty of time and space to share
closeness and "aftercare" once the scene is over.
Finally,
there are ways to make yourself a treasured guest whom
people will want to see again. These guidelines are good
rules of behavior at the party generally:
- Masters
and Mistresses should respect all collared slaves or
submissives as their "Owner's" property. If unsure whether
you may converse with a bottom, ASK their Top for permission.
Don't accidentally intrude upon a scene in which the
bottom has been ordered to stand or kneel quietly, awaiting
his Mistress' command. And if a Top desires to play
with, or even touch, a bottom that is not their own,
then it is the Top's responsibility to ask the bottom's
Owner (or if none, the bottom herself) for permission
to do so. Whatever answer is received should be gracefully
accepted as final. "Submissive" does not necessarily
mean "submissive to YOU"; respect and courtesy are the
keywords for everyone involved.
- Do
not touch other people's toys, floggers, etc. without
permission, and do not use it (even on yourself) without
further permission. (The owner might have prepared the
toy specially for a scene, and your using it could ruin
those preparations.)
- No
intimidating language or behavior.
- Keep
all information you have on other partygoers -- name,
occupation, mutual friends, idle chat, or other social
encounters -- private. You can embarrass both yourself
and them ... not everyone wants others to know they're
involved in this lifestyle. Remember where you are,
and where *they* are, and keep their confidences to
yourself. Similarly, whatever happens at the party should
stay at the party; don't bring up events from the party
at another time.
Many
thanks to Mon Cherie, Rob Jellinghaus, Hans Meijer, and
anonymous others for contributing their suggestions to
this article.
